My Golden Compass

"It's an alethiometer. It tells the truth. You are meant to have it. You keep the alethiometer to yourself, it's of the utmost importance to yourself, to all of us, and perhaps to all creation."

A good friend of mine and I saw "The Golden Compass" this afternoon. I was impressed with the depth of meaning that was captured in the movie. I understand that it is from a book published by Scholastic and aimed at younger people. I am going to go out and try to find the book and any subsequent books by this author.

I always thought of my life before my surgery as sort of like the folks in the story. I knew I had a soul and that soul was a little girl striving so hard to break free of the boy like shell that encased me. I know that the folks in the story have animals that follow them around and that those animals are their souls or, as it is put in the movie, their daemons.

Perhaps Carie was my daemon and now that I've broken free of the shell that was Calvin, I shall shine. It's been seven years since I had my surgery and those seven years are teaching me that there is a lot to learn about being a girl. I lived as a boy for nearly eighteen years although the last several years was my transition into femininity. I feel very much ladylike now but I know there is so much more to my transition.

I was talking with a good friend of mine who is so certain that her transition from male into female ended when she had her surgery. However, my friend still acts very much a man and I can't get a word in edgewise that, perhaps she's not quite through the transitioning process.

I still think like a boy would sometimes but that's the curse of being born with a male body. My folks tried so hard to help me adjust but my father was ambivolent in the beginning. I did the things boys should have done growing up. I was on many sports teams and usually did well but I hated the whole process deep inside. I wanted to be like my sister and do the things she and her friends did. Momma didn't seem to mind but Daddy flew off the handle many a time. In the end, though, they both came around to my dilemma and helped me assimilate into the female world.

I've been living as a girl almost half my life now. My transition began at thirteen and my full time trek began shortly after I was to have reached puberty. When I reached thirteen my folks were kind enough to allow me to begin androgen blockers and that halted, somewhat, my soiree into young manhood. My body has remained fairly hair free and my musculature had no time to begin turning male.

I look at myself and am happy with the way I've turned out so far. I try to be kind to people even if someone slips and calls me by an incorrect pronoun (it happens). I have not used a male bathroom in over twelve years if I can help it. No one has ever said anything to me when I go into a ladies' room and since my surgery I have been in locker rooms without incident even when I am stark naked.

Anyway, I don't wish to brag. I've had a great day.

Oh, go and see "The Golden Compass" when you get a chance. It is a good movie and you can decide if it's better to keep your daemons inside or have them loose about you to help guide you through life!

Carie